The Onion ( @TheOnion ) Twitter Profile


The Onion

America's Finest News Source.

Joined on 4 March, 2008

  • 39.6k Tweets
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Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?

 2,444  70  243  Download

‘So, It Means Making The Police Lose Their Homes And Forcing Them To Get A Divorce?’ Says Nation Still Struggling To Understand How Defunding The Police Works

 1,400  9  168  Download

FDA Delays Emergency Vaccine Approval Until They Finish Evaluating New Bagged Salad Kit

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Frightened Don Jr. Asks If He Can Sleep In Dad’s Bed After Bad Dream About Being Indicted

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A federal advisory committee voted Tuesday to affirm CDC director Robert Redfield’s recommendation that healthcare workers and nursing home residents get priority in receiving the coronavirus vaccine when it becomes available. #WhatDoYouThink?

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Go ahead and try to fill the infinite void in your soul with merchandise at the Onion Store. Use promo code CYBERWEEK for 15% off

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NFL Suspends Steelers Roster For Breaking Coronavirus Protocol By Playing Ravens

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Fact-Checking ‘The Crown’

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Concerns About Nuclear Iran Grow After Periodic Table Poster Spotted In Tehran High School

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Ungrateful Pricks On Sidewalk Not Even Glancing At Christmas Tree Placed In Window To Bring Them Holiday Cheer

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‘Oh, God, What Have I Done!’ Cries Matt Patricia After Discovering Pencil Fused To Ear

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DOJ Vows To Prosecute Any Pay-For-Pardon Offers Trying To Lowball President

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Replying to @KartoonistKelly: If you know a Sicko, do your duty and get them the shirt that will alert the rest of us.
On sale now at "The Onion Sto…

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Barr Announces No Widespread Election Fraud After Clicking Warning Label On Flagged Trump Tweets

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If you know a Sicko, do your duty and get them the shirt that will alert the rest of us.
On sale now at "The Onion Store." My best, Kelly

 1,110  32  409  Download

Nation’s Long-Haired Old Men In Flowy Linen Shirts Announce You Are Loved

 1,449  34  97  Download

Panhandler Really Appreciates It When People Make A Big Show Out Of Patting All Their Pockets

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New Report Finds Computers Actually Outpaced Human Intelligence Back With Commodore 64

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Insatiable Jeff Bezos Launches New E-Commerce Site ‘Bezylon’ To Undercut Amazon

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Herd Of Crossfitters Stampeding Down Sidewalk Like Startled Wild Boars

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Report: We Don’t Make Any Money If You Don’t Click The Fucking Link

 49,077  1,265  7,097  Download

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